Should I self-publish? Grappling with querying fatigue and doomed manuscripts.

Written By Carrie Herthwell

Considerations for Fiction Writers – A Blog Series

Querying agents and attempting to break into traditional publishing is making me feel passive and powerless. So should I consider self-publishing? Both self-publishing and traditional publishing requires fame, a social media following and self-promotion. And if I self-publish, I get to be my own boss.

I graduated with a Bachelor of Arts in Creative Writing in 2021, and ever since I’ve been gleefully crafting novels. I’ve completed four manuscripts with intermittent queries sent off to agents or small publishers. And suddenly, it hit me that one day I’m going to be ninety, and I’ll have forty or so novels ready to go, and no publications.

Everyone’s always asking me, Did you publish a book yet? While some folks say, My friend’s roommate’s uncle published a book. If he can do it, you can too. And still others say, I can help you! This person sneezed in the direction of an agent once, so they probably know something. Go talk to them.

As a neurodivergent, stay-at-home mom, I have limited hours where I can truly focus, so I’m reluctant to spend time querying, or in other forms of self-promotion. I always say to myself: next week I’ll really get myself out there. But it’s always next week.

Then, one day, I wondered if the traditional path was making me feel passive and less motivated. Sending out queries feels like making wishes while I wait for my life to start. It occurred to me that self-publishing situates the author in a more active position, which would help with my motivation problem.

I know I’d love self-publishing. I’d love to be my own boss. I could control every detail, from the cover design, to the content, to the release dates. I could stick to methods of self-promotion I find interesting. As long as I’m able to find my readers, I’d be happy self-publishing. But still I hesitate, because I feel like I deserve the recognition of being traditionally published.

If a big publisher accepted me, it would be like a pat on the back from the literary community and it would make me feel like I’m a ‘real’ writer. Any novel can be self-published, even the most unedited, poorly crafted books. But I’ve spent over a decade developing my craft, both on my own and in university. I would like my work to be acknowledged as professional.

But it’s not like publishing traditionally is all sunshine and milkshakes. Traditional authors must promote their books, too (1.). Plus, most traditionally published books have low sales (2.). Toss in the fact being rejected by a publisher doesn’t necessarily mean anything. An excellent novel might be rejected simply because it’s difficult to categorize, or because a publisher only wants books that follow particular literary trends.

Not to mention, it’s getting harder to break into traditional publishing. What if I query every agent in the universe and still never get accepted? The months and years I wait is time I can never get back. So it’s prudent to judge if I have a chance. Am I too risky to bet on?

Publishers like money, so they prefer the guaranteed-to-sell type novels. If you’re famous, you can publish just about anything because your fans will buy your work  (3.). But I’m not famous and unfortunately, I’m a smidge socially inept. I erroneously believed focusing on my craft and producing my best work was all I needed to get an agent. I was socialized to believe literature was the domain of nerds. But it turns out being able to charm the public is what matters, which means us quirky folks are screwed. Everyone, let’s think about this! Do we really want a future where bookstore shelves are stocked with novels written solely by the cool kids?

Publishers often want their authors to have giant social media followings, which is like being mini-famous (4.). But, I have an aversion to social media. The idea of maintaining Instagram, Facebook or an X account sounds dull, which means my ADHD-brain shuts off in protest. I like the idea of having my own blog because I can write about the topics I find interesting.

I enjoy consuming YouTube, but I have no desire to be an influencer. I play tricks on myself to get myself to do things I don’t like (It’s an ADHD hack). And it’s hard to trick myself when I have zero published novels and I don’t know if I’ll ever get an agent. If I started a YouTube channel, I’d be like, Hi, I’m a novelist, but I don’t know if I’m allowed to call myself that since I have no publications. But I hope to, one day, get my novels published traditionally. Please, please, follow me so I have something to tell an agent. On the other hand, If I decided to self-publish, I could talk about the process of self-publishing and I could announce my release dates.

But I want to point out that being an influencer is a completely different job and it requires a unique skillset. Some skills are learnable, but others must come naturally. My voice is high pitched and I literally sound like a cartoon character. If I had a podcast, no one would take me seriously. I often have trouble getting my words out correctly and I’ve never developed acting or public speaking skills. I could see myself learning how to make professional videos, but it would take a lot of hard work and devotion before I’d see success. If I chose such a path, I’d be doing two jobs and two times the work, which sounds absolutely bananas. Looking back, I wish I studied something useful. But when I was in university, I focused purely on writing fiction and poetry, which I now see was delusional.

Let’s consider a hypothetical scenario where I’ve managed to grow a large social media following. My novels themselves might still be a problem. I happen to have a special interest in topics people see as controversial. One of my interests is gender and some people see gender as a dangerous idea that should be eradicated from society (6.). It’s terrifying that, in the USA, people have gone so far as to ban books (5.). I personally don’t think there’s anything offensive in my books, but a publisher might not want to take a chance on my supposed ‘controversial’ work.

Another way I might be controversial is that I refuse to write myself into my characters. I don’t want to relive my traumas, or relive the less interesting parts of my life. And if I’m not writing me, I’m writing a made-up person different from myself. I’m cisgender and pansexual, and I don’t have experience being visibly queer. I prefer to write non-binary or queer characters because it helps me craft character outside the trappings of the gender binary. Lately, publishers have been rejecting writers who write outside their experience and, technically, I count as an author who writes outside their experience (7.).

Add in the fact novel series’ are difficult to pitch and traditional publishers prefer standalone novels (8.). My novel series may never be accepted by a big publisher.

Plus there’s the small issue that my novels don’t fit neatly into well-established categories. I consider my novels new adult, which isn’t an official category. I write for seventeen to thirty-five-year-olds, and usually my main characters are eighteen or older. In my unpublished debut novel, my protagonist starts off thirteen and ages to twenty-one. A publisher might balk at the fact my protagonist is thirteen for a third of the novel. I personally think the best novels include a protagonist who grows and changes over time. And theoretically, if I self-publish I won’t need to compromise on my art.

But I don’t think it’s entirely true that self-publishers can write whatever they want. If an author self-publishes a novel people don’t like, the novel won’t sell. So even as a self-published author, I’ll need to cater to my readers. But at least I can test the waters with what I find intriguing. I believe there’s something to be said about following one’s instincts and writing what’s natural.

I initially gathered that self-publishing is for authors who write for niche markets and traditional publishing is for authors who write commercial fiction. I consider my books commercial fiction because they’re written in easy-to-follow prose and they have exciting plots. Toss in the fact traditional publishers take on most of the work in prepping a book for publication, it seemed like the correct route for me.

I told myself it had to be traditional publishing, but I find myself miserable over having so little control over my career. It feels like dropping coins into a fountain and hoping for the best. Agents never tell us authors why our novels are rejected, so we can’t learn and grow from the experience. But if I self-publish and get negative feedback from readers, I can adjust how I write future novels. I can immediately start learning and growing. It’s true that literary success is half luck, but in self-publishing, I can adjust my marketing plan until it works.

I write new adult, dystopian fiction and my narratives are not formulaic. My novels draw from the mainstream fiction I’ve read, but they’re still too weird. One step too far. I’m a gamble. But isn’t that what makes writing interesting?

So, if I’m never going to get traditionally published, I shouldn’t waste time making wishes and waiting around. It makes sense for me to self-publish. The second I made my decision, I felt a rush of energy. I see now I needed this push to get the ball rolling, so I’d start putting myself out there. I know I’m going to learn and grow a ton from this experience. I can’t wait to find my readers!

Carrie Herthwell
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